Ahoy there, fella!
It’s about that time again, you know. The Gasparilla Pirate Festival is around the corner. Time for every pirate worth his ship to rummage and pillage Tampa. Best part? It’s just after the holidays. So, we’ll take everything from those jolly goody two shoes!
You can be a pirate, alright? But try not to be a literalscallywag. The ships might just capsize cos of the stench. How about you wearGasparilla shirts to identify as one? Better said than lived, right?
But has anyone ever asked how the pirates had their baths? All that s*x, drinking, puking, and fighting in the same clothes on the same ship? It must have been a stinky bunch. Lord have mercy!
Bring in the rum! If you can hold your liquor, maybe you can steer the ship in the right direction… towards wealth and women. Don’t getship-faced, though… yeah, no sh**.
Who’s in charge of distributing the rum? What’s a Gasparilla festival of pirates without the booze? No, can someone answer us?Why is the rum gone? Jose Gaspar would have a fit in his grave! Perhaps, we should hand out funny Gasparilla pirate t-shirts to everyone. The party must go on!
There’s always a chap who hides more booze for himself. We’ll make them wear this “I’m the reason the rum is gone” shirt whenever they are found. How ironic, though; a pirate looting the loot. Lol. We’re here for it!
Is it just us, or are most of the people who turn up for the pirate festival gothic? Even the Jolly Roger isn’t as scary as some of the skulls you see around. Guys, think you could tone it down and substitute the real thing with a skull t-shirt instead? Even aCatsparilla shirt with the eye-patch cat is better. Just saying.
You know, Puss in boots, the savage cat that carries a fence around? Yea, that one. He kinda looks like this catsparilla fellow. Come on, engage your imagination. We were once kids, after all.
Hold on. Will there be kids at this thing? How do you hold a PG festival and still … you know … pirate? What if there are ladies flashing things that are usually hidden?
Hold our shirts while we go annoy our kids, so they can annoy us, and then we ground them. Everyone in support of this plan, say “aye”.
So, what’s the plan? How do we storm the city? Never mind that we have the best unisex t-shirts for the Gasparilla Tampa folk. We haven’t actually been to one of those things. Is it true that yáll go screaming, “Surrender the booty”? There’s a shirt for that, you know. You might want to save your strength for the main event.
The notoriety of these events have us shaking in our pants. But festivals are always a great place to see incredible displays of foolishness! As long as it’s a pirate thing, we know y’all are full out for debauchery and hedonism. Well… not you. Anyone buying any of our pirate Gasparilla shirts will probably be a spectator. Hey, how about you just referee the whole shindig?
There’ll be idiots fighting over something that’s not real, ladies cheating, and men swooning over the hot Gasparilla Tampa babes. You can sip and watch. Oooh…It’s a pirates life for me. On the tee shirt, at least. That’s where it ends.
If you feel left out, become a pirate immediately. Oh, it’s pretty easy…Instant pirate, just add rum. Yup, just down unhealthy amounts of booze. Most pirates never live long anyway. A long life is boring, right? So, soak it up in booze, booty and bounty! Triple B! Or you could just get yourself a nice t-shirt and shut up. Better yet, show your solidarity from a distance.
Shout out to the Gasparilla Tampa pirates again! Maybe y’all can explain why there’s a need to celebrate a time of terror and pain. If the pirates really pillaged and pilfered the city of Florida, isn’t it something to weep about? Humans are the weirdest creatures, for real!
We hear the festival precedes the Super Bowl. So, a pre-game, post-terrorism ritual for a bunch of guys and gals who really love Jack Sparrow? Yup. That is the best explanation so far. Maintain your high as much as possible, yea?
Perhaps we’re missing the point. The pirates had it rough. History shows that they suffered a high unemployment rate, so they pillaged and pilfered cargo ships to get stuff they could sell. Those guys almost went all zombie on each other! They may have raided cargo ships, but do you know how hunger and disease ravaged them? Man, it was tragic! Sooo … we’ll cut y’all some slack. You may give them their flowers… or shirts too. How about that? Yea … Sure, Gasparilla himself is smiling right now.
Okay… what do you need for this festival to bang harder than a bad hangover? Rum? Check. Willpower? Check. Crazy-ass friends, who like to scream? Check. Gasparilla t-shirts? Why are you sleeping on this? There’s so much cargo on here. (pun intended).
Gasparilla pirate festival rule book states that thou shalt appear at the docks clad in one of the long sleeve or short sleeve pirate shirts. Another one states that thou shaltsave water, drink rum. (don’t hold us responsible if you become ship-faced while at it).
Another one of the stupid rules is that thou shaltparty like a pirate. Promise us you won’t go cuckoo.
Anyhoo, we’ll be here waving shirt after shirt at y’all. Bring us some rum or maybe a cocktail. We hear some of y’all might be celebrating your birthdays on one of them days. Know anyone like that? Grab yourself or the birthday gal/guy a nice Gasparilla Tampa shirt. Trust us; these are great gift ideas for anyone you care about, unless they aren’t keen on joining the Gasparilla parade.
See you on Gasparilla island, folks. Piece out. Lol. Peace.